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THE 93 DREAMS OF SUMMER

Dream 1. You are sitting in a room with your memories. Each memory takes the form of a different animal. The time you faked a fever is a panda. The time you returned a quarter to its rightful owner is a toy poodle. The time you ran screaming from the bathroom is a wombat. And so on.

Dream 2. You are in the shower when someone steps in and begins to touch & kiss you. You are aroused beyond your wildest dreams but still you cannot stop thinking about the time you baked bread without following a recipe.

Dream 3. You spot eight bright orange traffics cones just ahead. Beyond the cones are five brightly colored hula-hoops, and just beyond them are nine deer. You wait to find out what to do next.

Dream 4. Your mother is yellow green and your father is blue green. You are you.

Dream 5. You are driving a red car, a Lexus. You have the radio on and you hear Crosby Stills Nash, and Young singing “Judy Blue Eyes.” You almost change the station, but then you don’t. You just plain don’t.

Dream 6. You invent a machine that can play the violin, devein shrimp, and shred documents all at the same time.

Dream 7. You see that I am ugly. Ugly as sin. Hideously ugly. Monstrously ugly. Uglyugly. When you wake up you are somewhat disappointed that I am not.

Dream 8. You are arrested for possessing a drug that can turn a person into a turnip

Dream 9. You are baking cookies: chocolate chips, snickerdoodles, Mexican wedding, peanut butter, oatmeal raisin, cranberry orange walnut, and gingerbread.
Suddenly you notice a splotch of flour on your shirt and you can’t take your eyes off of it. The splotch of white flour on your white shirt has become the most beautiful thing you have ever seen.

Dream 10. You get wet and dissolve.

Dream 11. You want a menthol cigarette and you want one with every fiber in your being. You are aware that your every care and problem would melt away with that first puff. You just want to inhale, deeply, completely. People in your dream, a veritable Greek chorus of them, recommend yoga and meditation. You look at them with disdain, knowing that these are superficial substitutions.

Dream 12. I am dreaming of you. Of this you are certain. Never have you been more certain of anything than this. And you know that I love you. When you wake up, you will be far less certain.

Dream 13. You discover that most women wear the wrong bra size and organize a volunteer group to widely disseminate this information.

Dream 14. You open a can of caffeine free Diet Pepsi, but astonishingly it tastes just like Mountain Dew. You fear you are losing your mind.

Dream 15. You see fruit, and it is everywhere. Lining the streets, filling rooms, taking over congress. Thus far, fifteen senators have been replaced by fruit. You chuckle nervously.

Dream 16. You are singing very loud. Neighbors are complaining, although they are singing too. You are profoundly aware that your life is about to change as soon as you sing the next note.

Dream 17. You realize there is no longer any way to communicate with others except for direct face-to-face contact. The world of texts, tweets, email, and voice mail have disappeared. You shiver.

Dream 18. You are me. It’s a lot less fun than you thought. Still, there are a few unexpected bonuses that you didn’t foresee.

Dream 19. It’s your dream, and you get to decide what to dream about.

Dream 20. You are a cloud. For a split second, you think you’re peeing on yourself. Happily it turns out you are raining.

Dream 21. You notice that the light in your home is a sickly yellow, and you suspect that something is not quite right. Someone enters the room, hopping on one foot.

Dream 22. You’re on the swings. I’m pushing you, higher and higher. It’s wonderful, isn’t it, to almost touch the sky? “Be careful what you wish for,” I say, as I push you higher and higher and higher.

Dream 23. You vividly remember every piece of dryer lint that you ever discarded. Each scrap emerges from a stage, bows ever-so-slightly to you, and then disappears behind the curtain. A single tear forms in your left eye as you realize that more than a few of these scraps were well worth keeping.

Dream 24. You know what it’s like to be someone else. Not somewhat. Not metaphorically. Not in the facile way that you typically imagine it must be like to be your friend, your brother, your boss. You actually know.

Dream 25. You see the exact shade of gold found in a Rembrandt self-portrait and at the same time you hear the theme song from Beverly Hills Cop. It may be the only time in your life when sound and color are one and the same, but I’m not certain of this.

Dream 26. You invent a flower. It is a color that no one has ever seen before in or out of flowerdom. It has the scent of lilacs mixed with hairspray. It is a perennial. You are proud of your accomplishment.

Dream 27. You live in a world where there are restrictions to saying “Good job,” to your children. Saying it too often leads first to fines, then imprisonment, and ultimately the death penalty. You breathe a sigh of relief.

Dream 28. You inexplicably find yourself in my childhood basement. It is dark and cold and cluttered with stuff. You discover the money you knew was hidden above the pipes. You cram it in your pockets and then quickly decide to put it back.

Dream 29. You have time.

Dream 30. You knit a hundred scarves. Each one has a flaw that you find unacceptable. And so you knit on and on and on and on.

Dream 31. You knit what you think is a perfect scarf. There is, in fact, a flaw in it, but you don’t notice.

Dream 32. You purchase a snow girntza.

Dream 33. You have the profound realization that the water in swimming pools actually is blue. You set out to inform the world of this.

Dream 34. You meet seven dogs, including a bulldog, two collies, three labradoodles, and an akita. Each has a story to tell you, but it is a challenge for you to understand as they are speaking in dog.

Dream 35. You are driving a bus. A passenger gets on with no money. He offers you a slice of cake in exchange for a drive to Pittsburgh. You accept.

Dream 36. You reflect on various notions of forgiveness but ultimately reject them as false.

Dream 37. You discover that meteorologists are giving the actual temperature without factoring in the wind chill. You clap.

Dream 38. You encounter an orange that wishes to marry your mother. You eat it, and end the discussion.

Dream 39. You are Miguel de Cervantes and about to write “Don Quixote.” You consider not writing it; perhaps instead you will relax and go for a walk.

Dream 40. You see the person you love most. You are profoundly and indescribably happy.

Dream 41. You are power hungry. You claw your way to the top. You anticipate being lonely up there, but you are not. Instead you make yourself a Swiss cheese sandwich on pumpernickel bread.

Dream 42. You are kissing someone you should not kiss, somewhere you should not kiss them. A strong ick factor permeates.

Dream 43. You are introduced to Madonna. You cannot decide whether she’s the singer or Jesus’ mother. You begin to suspect that she is one and the same person, but don’t have the gumption to inquire.

Dream 44. You wish to be very young again—oh, maybe 6 or 7 years old. You want a re-do, not just a few years but almost your lifetime in its entirety. You find yourself praying that this might still happen. But it does not. Even in a dream, it does not happen.

Dream 45. You feel free in ways you’ve never felt before, and you suddenly decide you’d like to grow a beard and a moustache. You wonder if you are taking this freedom thing a bit too far; perhaps a goatee is sufficient.

Dream 46. You announce to the world, on national television, that you are not who they think you are. You have waited so long to say this; regrettably this is only a dream.

Dream 47. You are lying on a cold bathroom floor, masturbating. You climax, not by coincidence, at the stroke of midnight. You are very proud that you were able to synchronize this so perfectly.

Dream 48. You are made of paper and glue instead of flesh and blood. Certain problems ensue.

Dream 49. You are a soap opera star in the hit show “17 Times Before It’s Over.” You play Augustine Early’s doctor, and you discover her secret only moments before it’s too late.

Dream 50. You are driving a car, practicing medicine, and breeding dogs----all at the same time and each without the proper license.

Dream 51. You are singing “Kisses Sweeter Than Wine” to a group of senior citizens. When you get to the words, “Now that we’re old and ready to go, we get to thinkin’ what happened a long time ago,” you begin to sob convulsively. One of the seniors gets up and blows his nose in your hand.

Dream 52. You know something that no one else does. You are so happy that you spit.

Dream 53. You are putting on your socks. Each time you put on one pair, they disappear and you are forced to start over again. You put on at least seven hundred pair before your feet stay covered. The socks that stick are pink with yellow polka dots.

Dream 54. You observe that things are different. They just are. But precisely how they are different, you cannot say.

Dream 55. You are twelve years old, and God comes to visit dressed as a lawn chair. You say hello and sit down.

Dream 56. You do something that will change someone’s life and not for the better. You believe you were right to do so, but perhaps you were not.

Dream 57. You become famous for cooking with Fruit Loops.

Dream 58. You are unclear whether it is too early or too late.

Dream 59. You unexpectedly fall madly in love with your neighbor’s wife, but are disappointed when you discover that she wears sensible shoes.

Dream 60. You discover an island solely inhabited by aardvarks. You want to live there forever, but the aardvarks find you unacceptable.

Dream 61. You buy a large box of envelopes. One by one, you address each to the mayor of Cincinnati. You hope he will be pleased.

Dream 62. You meet your dad. He is younger than you and not the specific dad you started out with in life. Despite a certain amount of initial confusion, things turn out quite well for both of you.

Dream 63. You are a professor of chocolate. You are passionate about your subject, although your students find you surly. Admittedly your essay questions are challenging and occasionally your multiple-choice questions have no correct answer.

Dream 64. You join the circus. You meet a trained bear that teaches you how to dance. Three nights each week, the two of you waltz until dawn.

Dream 65. You discover that there is no record of when you were born; thus you have no birthdate or age. You choose May 7th and thirty-eight years old, although you look younger.

Dream 66. You befriend a flying squirrel that no one else can see. This is not the problem it might seem to be as the squirrel likes no one but you.

Dream 67. You are happy to see that things are going pretty well in your life--actually for the first time ever-- but then you somewhat accidentally kill someone. You hope the police don’t find out, as this will probably reverse your recent good luck.

Dream 68. You invest half your money in a new salt product that doesn’t taste salty.

Dream 69. You believe everything I tell you even though most of what I tell you isn’t true. When you find out I’ve been lying, you drink all of my holy water.

Dream 70. You have newborn quintuplets. You have never changed a diaper and you’re not especially fond of babies. You wonder if a mistake has been made.

Dream 71. You are followed home from work by a duck.

Dream 72. You are aging at a highly irregular rate. Your left hand is wrinkled but not your right one. Two cubic centimeters of your hair, but only two, are turning grey. You are having slight memory problems, pertaining only to things you ate on airplanes.

Dream 73. You spend the remainder of your life trying to write a concise description of an orgasm that is neither clinical nor cloying. Some people appreciate you for this endeavor.

Dream 74. You reread “Little Dorrit.” When you wake up, you discover that 7½ months have past.

Dream 75. You are at the grocery store. You see a woman grabbing stalks of celery from the shelf and eating them ravenously. Unbeknownst to you, the celery woman is my mother.

Dream 76. Your astrologer encourages you to marry a Republican in order to prevent the next Mercury Retrograde from causing massive devastation. You promise to think about it.

Dream 77. You are swimming with your eyes closed; the sound of your breathing, the movement of the water, and the bubbles are greatly heightened. You finally open your eyes and are pleased to see that you have continued to swim in a straight line the entire time. You do, however, wonder how and when you entered the Baltic Sea.

Dream 78. You are having a panic attack. You call your therapist, but he, too, is having a panic attack. You feel a bit more composed and a little smug.

Dream 79. You are Clark Kent but unable to transform into Superman. You try very hard to become the Man of Steel but only succeed in sprouting a carrot from your left arm. Beyond this one physical change, you remain Clark Kent.

Dream 80. You have blood tests that reveal you’ve contracted a rare disease that will shorten your lifespan by two weeks. You decide to live the rest of your life to the fullest.

Dream 81. You sell talcum powder door to door. When people don’t buy your product, you sprinkle it on their rose bushes.

Dream 82. You have sex with many presidents and ultimately have a few misgivings.
A number of these encounters might have changed your vote, if only you had known.

Dream 83. You are at a dinner party, and your host is a pelican. Every course includes fish. The conversation is surprisingly good although you are a bit queasy by the time the minnow sorbet is served with carp cake.

Dream 84. You are famous. Everyone knows and admires and fawns over you. Two people are kissing your hand while another is feeding you strawberries dipped in chocolate. For a split second, you know that you are relatively boring and not all that bright, but quickly let the feeling pass. You accidentally bite off the finger that holds the strawberry; it doesn’t taste half bad.

Dream 85. You lose much of your short term memory. It isn’t nearly as unpleasant as you have always feared it would be. In fact, at the moment, you’re having a pretty good time. “Today is wonderful, “ you say to no one in particular. Tomorrow you won’t remember.

Dream 86. You are so enjoying reading the Sunday New York Times that you neglect to attend your own wedding. You reschedule for the following week, and all is right in the world.

Dream 87. You legally change your name to “Tater.”

Dream 88. You tell me you love me, but I am not impressed.

Dream 89. You discover a missing person in your closet; she is wearing your boots.

Dream 90. You are convinced that you are the reincarnation of Natalie Wood, and belt out a damn good version of “I Feel Pretty” to anyone who will listen. When you discover that Natalie Wood was only lip-synching these lyrics in “West Side Story,” you are devastated.

Dream 91. You are making angels in the snow although it is summer. Someone tells you not to do this, but you pretend not to hear.

Dream 92. You conduct anger management sessions. You have great contempt for all who enroll but your attitude softens considerably after your class buys you a dozen cinnamon buns.

Dream 93. You live in a world where summer never ends, and you begin to wish that it would.